just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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