I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
