i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
