Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
