mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The adults are the big ones right?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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