I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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