Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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