My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
