She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
