No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
