I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
