I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize