I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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