my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
