Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
