Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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