we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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