the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize