They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
