he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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