I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
