yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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