Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
