90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize