You smell like stripper and shame
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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