I got chris browned last night
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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