OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
