Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
