Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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