Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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