o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize