Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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