i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
