when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
