yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
