Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
