Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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