I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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