I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
