true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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