Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
two words...techno handjob
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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