3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
