I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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