You're my little dorito
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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