everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
