We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
