Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
