You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
