Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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