he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
