I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
