textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
