As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
