wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You ate ashes out of my bong
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
