if i can run in heels then i can drive
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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