Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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