I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
