I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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