dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
