oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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