Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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