he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
