I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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