Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
