I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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