I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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