You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize