Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
