Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
