We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
