Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
