just tell him i said nine months
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
