I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
