I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
